So another day, another horde of rumours involving Tottenham and a host of some of Europe's brightest young footballing talent (according to Wikipedia...). Yes, you guessed it, pre-season is in motion and for most fans the sheer volume of rumours, gossip and 'ITK' information is already making most fan's eyes bleed. So trailing insignificantly behind the news that Real Madrid are going to 'pay' Manchester United '£150m' for Cristiano Ronaldo here's the latest on who's coming, who's not and who is still only a twinkle in Mr Mill the milkman's eye.
Not content with possessing his first name, his initials, one of his hair-styles and his cultured right foot, David Bentley has been hard at work on his latest plan to assume David Beckham's entire identity. Stopping short from rifling around in his garbage for a copy of his pay slip or sending Posh a box of Milk Tray, Bentley now wants Beckham's berth on the right side of England's midfield...permanently.
Figuring that Blackburn boss Mark Hughes may soon be under the whip...I mean employment of Roman Abramovich, Bentley has spurned Blackburn's offer of a new contract, causing Juande Ramos and - insert name of new Chelsea boss here - to sit up like dogs who heard the word 'walkies' on the wind. According to the papers we'll be dangling Aaron Lennon under the nose of Mark Hughes, distracting him long enough for Younes Kaboul to climb through Blackburn ambassadors window and leave £15m and a box of Milk tray on his bed.
That's the second time I've mentioned Milk Tray...curious...
Someone who has probably not heard of Milk Tray is Norwegian striker Tarik Elyounoussi which is appropriate because we've not heard of him either. According to The Mirror we are going to have to stump up £4m for the services of the man some bloke on Wikipedia - initials A. Agent - describes as "The greatest talent Fredickstad have produced for ages". Baring in mind he possesses the split nationality of Championship Manager great Kennedy Bakircoiglu as well as his long, complicated name, he's bound to be a success. The only problem now is writing it on the gift card on the box of Milk Tray.
We may, however, have to ditch the common chocolate if we are to tempt Lazio's Valon Behrami to White Hart Lane. I say that because he's Swiss so going by national stereotype he knows a lot about chocolate and neutrality. As a pacey right winger who has been valued by Swiss bankers at precisely £9.4m, his Dad says he favours a move to Tottenham. Baring in mind the famous Swiss fence-sitting, he's probably said the complete opposite to whoever else is interested in his sons fleet footed services.
Baring in mind life should be about taking part rather than winning, try not to judge young Giovanni Dos Santos for finishing last in today's transfer round-up. I mean it's not his fault. I choose the order and he drew the short straw, you can hardly blame him. Apparently scoring a hat-trick against Real Murcia isn't enough to endear you to the Barcelona fans either and, having aborted a plan to hand out 60'000 boxes of Milk Tray to the Nou Camp faithful to change their minds, the minute Mexican wants out. Being Spanish Juande Ramos was the first to decipher the coded message sent by his agent and so has a jump on his rival at Manchester City who is currently working out the best way to tell Sven he's out of a job.
A box of Milk Tray, perhaps?