One man who could also do with being alert while he slumbers is new Blackburn boss Paul Ince. No sooner had the former Manchester United midfielder got his feet under the table at Ewood Park than he been bundled into the back of a van by a group of balaclavered Premier League managers intent on torturing him into revealing the whereabouts of talismanic winger David Bentley. Heading this dirty dozen was one Señor Ramos who hopes the bright lights of London - and the interrogation lamp - will persuade the England winger to join his inquisition at White Hart Lane. If Ince proves a tough nut to crack then Ramos has stuffed Aaron Lennon into a suitcase to make him an offer he can't refuse.
That is of course, if Lennon hasn't already moved to Newcastle. Reports in the media suggest that Kevin Keegan and Dennis Wise have settled their differences after the former Chelsea man gave the re-incarnation of Christ his very own hand glider, thus enabling him to swoop in and snatch Lennon from pre-season training at Spurs Lodge. Better still, King Kev has been practising with his new toy so much he's confident of being able to make a second trip to carry Michael Dawson back to Geordie land as well. Both players have understandably distanced themselves from this speculation after news that a survey by Mr Kipling named Newcastle as the unhappiest place to live in the entire United Kingdom.*
With that in mind, young Diego Capel probably woke up this morning relieved that he lives in sunny Seville and not smoggy Tyneside. He was probably less amused when he looked at his phone to find 15 missed calls and a text message reading: HI DIEGO, CUM 2 SPURS N PLAY 4 ME, WE AV DA $. JUANDE XX. According to a story in The Independent our head coach has teamed up with chairman Daniel Levy to drive down the price of the precocious Spanish winger, which evokes images of some strange Anglo-Spanish wrestling action.
These days £8m apparently buys you one Diego Capel, or one tenth of Cristiano Ronaldo. The mill would like his foot, so he could beat him over the head with it. According to the grapevine - who seems strangely clued up about these things - £10m buys you one Brazilian goalkeeper called Heurelho Gomes. Ramos must be keen to bring the PSV stopper to N17 because he's instructed hapless Gilberto to persuade his countryman to ditch those Dutchy's and join the Mighty Whites. Oh, and If he accidentally offers himself up in exchange then I'm sure Ramos won't mind either.
In other news the mill gagged, spluttered and choked on his cornflakes when he read The Sunday Mirror's 'news' that the club had agreed a few with Valencia for striking sensation David Villa. Containing precisely zero quotes from either the player, the club or a source close to either one, the mill can only assume that the 'scoop' came as the result of desperate scramble by reporters to find something vaguely readable to put on the back page. Well done though boys, you did succeed in making us look sillier than we already do, which is a difficult task baring in mind we have Paul Robinson in goal.
*not actually a joke.